Thankful

Contentment is a rare feeling for me, but I find that if I focus on being thankful contentment usually follows. We are two to three weeks out with getting our proctor kids, and I am incredibly thankful for the support we've already received from our friends and family. This whole thing would be much more daunting if we were trying to do it alone.

Another thing I am thankful for is artists who are able to express truth and meaning when I am not. Change is hard, and art is a comfort to me. Last night I read "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf". I loved this book, and Ntozake Shange's ability to put words to complex experiences creates a connection with the reader on an intuitive, emotional, and very real level.

Here's one of the poems, "One Thing I Don't Need/Sorry":

one thing i don’t need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i don’t know what to do wit em
they dont open doors
or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry

i am simply tired
of collectin
i didnt know
i was so important toyou
i’m gonna haveta throw some away
i cant get to the clothes in my closet
for alla the sorries
i’m gonna tack a sign to my door
leave a message by the phone
‘if you called
to say yr sorry
call somebody
else
i dont use em anymore’
i let sorry/ didnt meanta/ & how could i know about that
take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn
i’m gonna do exactly what i want to
& i wont be sorry for none of it
letta sorry soothe yr soul/ i’m gonna soothe mine

you were always inconsistent
doin somethin & then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
well
i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers
& their ways
i will play oliver lake
loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself

Bittersweet

I keep trying to post incredibly amazing wonderful posts, but I don't have a camera that I can use to add pictures to my posts to break up my profound words, and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone with a deluge of pure profund-ness. Mmmmmhmmm.

Anyway, it looks like we will be moving out of our condo and into an apartment in the next week or so. I am SO EXCITED to be done living in limbo, but it is sad to leave our first place as home owners. When we first moved here I definitely referred to myself as a "home owner" more than occasionally.

What this move means, however, is that we will get our proctor kids soon! What a crazy, fun adventure that will be =). Our training is complete, our fingerprints are turned in, and we are CPR/First Aid certified. Although if any of the children need CPR or First Aid that will be Josh's department. Just kidding (kind of)!

More details when plans get finalized.